Another day gone by and I wake up with my heart aching. I thought it was getting better but it’s not. I’m here, yet my heart is somewhere else. And it’s not as easy as just following it. I can’t leave and I can’t really explain why in sensical terms, especially to those who are people of science and not of God. I can be quite illogical.
How do you “follow your dreams” when you can’t? How do you follow your heart when you can’t? I can’t. I have to stay here, restless, broken, confused. Oh, almost like the song: “lost, broken, confused” because I am also kinda lost. I don’t feel at home. I haven’t felt at home for years.
I’m a nomad, adrift… just going through the motions now and stuck in my bubble away from outside life.
I move a ton, and everywhere I go I find myself back in my bubble. Moves/change should bring excitement, new adventures, new friends… but I always fall back into my routine. I bury myself in the computer and in the kitchen: eat, work (from home), blog, exercise, cook, clean, sleep, pet the cat, repeat. Then move to a new town again, and repeat there too.
In the last 7 years I have moved 12 times, lived in 8 different towns/cities in 4 countries. I have rebuilt my life over and over, which doesn’t take much because I don’t have much, I don’t do much, and I don’t need much.
Frankly, if I did follow my dreams and my heart, I’d probably end up doing the same, getting back into my routine, my bubble. But somehow I wouldn’t feel lost.
The worst part is that I can’t do anything about my situation right now other than accept it. I could try to forget my dreams, forget what my heart wants, and attempt to be happy with what I have at the moment, but I don’t want to do that. (Silly humans). The problem about not letting go is the pain. Knowing I can’t have what I want, at least not now, and who the heck knows if and when I will. I can’t give up the idea of “someday” but by not doing so, it hurts and I fail to be present.
So, if you can’t do something about it, should you let go? I don’t know. I can’t, though. (Did I mention humans are
And I also know I can’t fight for it. Not now. I thought I could, I thought I should. But I was wrong. The timing wasn’t right yet, I got it wrong. Unfortunately.
When will the stars align? Apparently one should not wait for the stars to align because they say that the right time never comes. Apparently if we wait for the right time, we miss out.
But I KNOW I have to keep waiting. I know it’s what I need to do. But it’s surely a struggle. And I wish the struggle was mine only. But my struggle affects more than one other person. My decision (no matter what I decide) affects other people. My beliefs and my feelings affect other people. I so wish it only affected me, only my mind, my heart, my life. Things would be easier knowing I’m the only one struggling because I don’t wish it on others. I especially don’t wish others to hurt because of me.
I can take giving up on dreams, I can take not giving in to my desires and my wants, I can take not following my heart, I can take the inner struggle. I can settle. But when what I do affects others, it makes it infinitely harder. When I feel like things are on my hands, even though they are in the hands of God, it is immeasurably more painful.
I’m not a proactive person. I am very go with the flow and passive. I am not assertive nor determined… I’m indecisive. Yet, I can be quite stubborn, and once I set my mind to something, it’s very hard to change it.
In this case, I knew what I wanted and I took big steps forward to get it. I’ve done it before. It was never easy, but it was doable. This time though, it blew up in my face because I was wrong. It wasn’t time. I did not go with the flow and I acted upon selfishness. When you fight for something you want, inevitably you are selfish. And sometimes you unintentionally hurt others, it’s just part of life, but when you do something for yourself knowing that others will be hurt, that’s a pretty high level of selfishness.
So what now? I’m not sure how to move forward. I can’t have what I want, yet I can’t let go of it.
I will wait I guess. Like Mumford & Sons. And hopefully the wait won’t drive me insane, because it’s a battle here inside me, full on. And hopefully my wait won’t hurt others too much. My mind and my heart are in constant turmoil.
tur·moil ˈtərˌmoil/ noun
a state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty.
I’ll just stay put. Wait for the frickin’ right time.